Moonbeam, Clean Skin, and Clean Linen (Demeter)

"Back to School Basics $4.99," the Demeter countertop display read. "Wear Alone or MIX, MATCH & LAYER." The scents in question: Moonbeam, Clean Skin, and Clean Linen. At least two of these are available on Demeter's website. But why go there when you can go to RiteAid Glam Camp?

How totally magical is Glam Camp? Well, for starters, it has the power of changing "green leaves, Jasmine, Lily of the Valley, Amber and precious Woods" into "(a) unique combination of Vanilla, Chocolate and floral notes".* Incredible! But you say you need more magic? Check this out: all three fragrances painted in side-by-side stripes on your arm will smell, quite magically, like one thing.

Nothing.

Seriously.

Nothing.

Granted, that's what real moonbeams, clean linen, and freshly scrubbed skin smell like, so there's no deceit in advertising. Should doubt wrinkle your marble-smooth adolescent brow, the spirited Glam Camp counselors hasten to reassure you that Clean Linen smells "soft, fresh... as the best, freshest linen you have ever encountered." (But is it FRESH?) And Clean Skin is "(s)o delicate it is virtually transparent... Clean Skin is simply you...enhanced."

If this is so, then from the bottom of my heart I worry for you, because Clean Skin (AND Clean Linen, AND Moonbeam) are NON-SMELLS. I mean, they were still wet on my arm, and I could not find them. I stuck my arm under my husband's nose, and he said, "What? What do you want?!" Are these particular Demeters the olfactory parallel of that sound old fogeys can't hear?**

"Mix, match and layer directly on the skin and create your own personal fragrance experience," the promo copy reads. However, "(y)our 'scent circle' should be about an arm's length from your body. People farther away than that should not be able to smell your fragrance."

Honey, I would not worry about that.

*Notice how Moonbeam inexplicably turns all gourmand when it's marketed to adolescent girls? This is ironic, seeing as how this demographic is under absolute bombardment to achieve the perfect Size Sub-Zero. But marketing campaigns which recast women's hair-and-body products as "edibles" are way older than me.

**Yet I can still hear THAT SOUND. My spouse (age 47) cannot hear it even when the volume is turned all the way up, and our cat (who at age 15 in human years is actually 82 in feline years) jumped a country mile even when I played it super-low. Go figure.


Scent Elements: Bupkes.