Vintage Parfum du Jour: My Sin (Lanvin)

Why wear it? Because a certain edgy, perverse mood has prompted it, and there's no arguing with that impulse once it's got its well-heeled foot in the door.

What does it do? It smells like stiff rustling glacé satin, sheer silk stockings, hairspray, face powder, lipstick, underarms, Old Fashioneds, cigarette smoke, mink stoles, sexual arousal, Fifth Avenue, December, and the plush back seat of an uptown-bound limousine at three-thirty in the morning.

How do I feel? Less exciting (and expensive) than the woman described above. Instead, try stretch knit cotton, Mennen Speed Stick deodorant, liquid dish detergent, balsam fir incense, coffee breath, and menthol migraine balm.