PerfHumor

From the Keyboards of Spammers: This Time It's Personal

Dear Prescription Scuba Goggles*,

Heya You!


It was very nice to hear from you again. I hope you are well, and am very glad to learn that those low-cost hemorrhoid remedies are working for you. How's the family? Sorry to hear that your cousin stole your iPad and tested to see if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. That little scamp! ;)

It sounds like you've been pretty busy, browsing online more than 3 hours today, as well as surfing online more than 2 hours today-- wow! You DO get around! Where do you find all that energy (besides free Viagra)? Aren't you worried that all this time spent on the Web might affect your tenure at Best Fashion Design Institute in Pune? I mean, it's important that you find valuable information concerning study and knowledge, but constantly checking this blog every day seems counterproductive. Also, you mention that that you're visiting to obtain facts concerning a presentation subject which you are going to present in university in near future. Is your thesis REALLY about Tova Borgnine?! I know this is off-topic but I had to ask!

Color me flattered by all the lovely words of praise you wrote about my blog! I'm so pleased that my attractive section of content was pretty worth enough and as astounding, and the clearness on the publish is incredible cool and has been helpful and positively helped loads. It is my hope that my efforts will make the net a lot more useful now than ever before.

Now on to answer some of your questions. I hope I can make you happy with clear clarification and issues!

Q: I'm not sure exactly why but this blog pictures is loading incredibly slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end?

A: I'm not sure, either. But you could check back later on and see if the problem still exists.

Q: Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the pictures on this blog loading? I'm trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it's the blog.

A: Dude, what did I just tell you?

Q: Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren't loading properly. I'm not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I've tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same results.

A: Ahahaha I get it! Comedy rule of three! Repetition is funny! You got me there, buddy. :D

Q: The posts are very short for starters. May you please extend them a bit from next time?

A: Sure. I'll just add more pictures.

Q: What if you wrote a catchier post title? I mean, I don't wish to tell you how to run your blog, but what if you added something that grabbed people's attention? I mean "L'Eau Serge Lutens (Serge Lutens)" is a little vanilla.

A: I didn't get vanilla at all. I thought it was way more citrus.

Q: Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback? If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can recommend? I get so much lately it's driving me insane.

A: Me too... me too.

Q: Where are you contact details?

A: ROFLMAO! (Seriously though, are you coming home for Thanksgiving?)

Listen... I hope you won't take this the wrong way. I sincerely appreciate your offer to bring the blog a little livelier, and I agree that a person necessarily lend a hand to make critically posts, but I'm sort of a solo outfit. Have you ever thought about starting a blog of your own? Rest assured that when you get one up and running, I'll be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently fast!

Well, give everyone a big "howdy" from me, and I promise to stay everybody up to date and informed.

Cheers,

Olenska

*Names have been changed to protect the spambots.



Twelve-steppin!

Having just completed my Scent Cabinet inventory by adding every last sample and decant I own, I understand now that I am a sick person who needs help... serious help. Feel free to recite along, and rest assured that our coffee-and-danish table is way better than AA's.


We admitted we were powerless over perfume-- that our stash had become unmanageable.

We came to believe that a Nose greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Serge Lutens, as we understood him.

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our stash, justifying the presence of each full bottle with ever more elaborate reasoning.

We admitted to Serge Lutens, to ourselves, and to our favorite SA at Ulta the exact nature of our middle-of-the-night knuckle-biting over whether a mini-fridge would fit next to our bedroom dressing table, and would it really be enough to hold everything, random samples included.

We were entirely ready to have a legion of newbies to the MUA swap forum remove all those random samples which would not fit in the mini-fridge, mostly because we wouldn't be caught dead wearing them.

We humbly asked the clerk at the post office to believe that we were really only mailing handcrafted Christmas ornaments or yarn samples or prepackaged potpourri.

We made a list of all persons who made decant requests of us, and became willing to fulfill them all.

We made decants for such people wherever possible, except when to do so would cut into a new episode of
Mad Men, in which case we were positive there'd be time to get it done... let's see, maybe Thursday morning before work, unless we sleep in.

We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong about a perfume on second wearing, promptly admitted it, or at least blamed reformulation.

We sought through prayer and meditation to instinctively
know when a precious bottle of Shiseido Nombre Noir had appeared on eBay, praying only for the bidding power to crush all who dare to claim that precious jus which by rights should be ours, all ours.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to perfumistas, and to practice these principles in all our affairs until new discount codes are posted over at The Perfumed Court.




Heaven-sent.
Authorities in the Chelyabinsk Region, which was hit by a meteorite on February 15, on Tuesday announced plans to launch a new perfume with the scent of the celestial body, which brought the Urals city to international fame.... The new fragrance will be named “Chebarkul Meteorite,” after the lake where the meteorite’s fragments were found, the administration of the town of Chebarkul said on its website.

Local businessman Sergei Andreyev proposed to analyze the meteorite’s fragments to create a fragrance. “It [the perfume] will most likely feature metallic and stony notes,” the administration quoted Andreyev as saying.


--Russian International News Agency (Rossijskoe Agentstvo Meždunarodnyh Novostej), March 5, 2013


"It was eerie", Ms. Borchininova, a barmaid, said Saturday. "So we stood there. And then somebody joked, 'Now the green men will crawl out and say hello.'"

--Testimony of Chelyabinsk resident Alyona Borchininova describing the discovery of a meteorite hole in frozen Lake Chebarkul, as told to New York Times journalist Andrew E. Kramer, February 16, 2013


TRANSMISSION TO OVERSEERS
Source: Traveler B988.53
Coordinates: 79984.55642.9.90.2226


Omnipotent Ones,

The mission to the Class 55XU Blue-Green Orb has taken an unusual -- though highly successful -- turn.

We followed the Ninth Directive (Concealed Approach to Possible Hostile World) as outlined in Exploratory Flight Protocol Volume 0.3-- hiding our craft deep within the heart of a meteorite and then firing a single, high-impact energy burst to force the rock from its customary orbit. We fell for many millions of ages, then entered the Blue-Green Orb's atmosphere (perfectly breathable, though a little viscous by our standards). Predictably, our meteorite host broke up shortly afterward -- they do not make them like they used to -- but the portion containing our craft remained intact.

Within 1708 ages, Orb Habitants came and picked us up in their tentacles (which are polydactylic and rough-textured, though quite warm). We emitted a hailing signal and initiated preliminary communications, but they did not seem to understand or even notice us. Traveler Y500.41 theorizes that the Habitants’ incredible size may render them unable to perceive normal-sized objects. (They are fully as large as Xarodactylans, though not purple, and they do not hover.) Nevertheless, they seemed strangely glad to see us and passed us from tentacle to tentacle, sometimes in exchange for flat sheaves of a material which had shapes and figures inscribed on it. We have seen many such sheaves since arriving and will attempt to teleport a sample when possible.

The next phase of the mission brought an unexpected opportunity which we believe justified our departure from mission protocol.

The Habitants immersed the meteorite shard containing our craft in a clear liquid, which upon scientific analysis was found to resemble our own world's primovital substance to within .0007 helionths. Other Orb-based substances were added to the liquid, turning it as pink as the Ytrigu Nebula (which made many of us homesick). Taking this as a signal of welcome on behalf of the Blue-Green Orb, all Travelers immediately uploaded into the liquid and began to proliferate at top speed. In the space of 3405 ages, we had colonized the liquid with enough generations to achieve full infiltration of the Blue-Green Orb within 13.4 miloterms!

Our new liquid matrix was then sectioned and enclosed in thousands of identical silica vessels as large as our largest cities. We soon learned that no effort was required on our part to travel in these gigantic vessels; the Habitants did all the work, though not always efficiently. Several vessels were dropped in transit, liberating all of the Travelers within. As of last report, they are doing well and proliferating freely in a vast space station known as "Target".

We then came to realize that the Orb Habitants must desire subjugation very badly, for they sprayed us directly on their exolayers, through which we were readily absorbed. More proliferation followed, leading to absolute colonization of each host within 1029 ages. Once occupied, each Habitant is rendered completely docile and compliant. It shocked us how easy it is to direct their thoughts and actions; they possess no volition at all except that which we conveniently "lend" to them.

We have therefore initiated a new colonization procedure by which each host is driven to exchange their quaint inscribed sheaves for vessels full of our kind, which they subsequently present to fellow Habitants who have not yet been infiltrated. This they do eagerly, at a much greater rate than predicted. Thousands are being colonized every day. It surprised us all how effortlessly our mission is progressing!

If the next mission brings samples of the Golden Algae, we will easily be able to convince the population of the Blue-Green Orb to grow it. Once the Algae emits its attractant biochemicals into the atmosphere, the Xarodactylans will soon sniff it out... and then they will FINALLY be someone else's problem.

The Habitants are a pleasant and cooperative species. We are very fortunate that they seem to understand what we must do to them; in many ways, it is a shame to sacrifice them. But as our progenitors once said, "Xarodactylans have GOT to eat."

END TRANSMISSION



No. 164 (Parfums Rigolade)

The final creation of perfumer Enjoué Sournois-Faussaire before his premature death by defenestration, No. 164 is a chypre of rare quality cherished by generations of European nobility. The formula was unearthed in 1931 from Sournois-Faussaire's bank vault by his faithful butler Nathaniel, to whom le maître had entrusted all his secrets... including the art and craft of haute parfumerie.

Working alone in a garden shed amid half-rusted tools and cooing pigeons, Nathaniel broke the fragrant prototype down to its base constituents, then built it back up again, only this time adding the ingredient which had driven his employer to ultimate despair-- that most elusive and costly of aromatic substances, tulip butter. Using only bulbs of the coveted Semper Augustus -- the very flower which drove all Europe mad during the Great Tulip Mania of 1637 -- Nathaniel produced an artisanal concrete worthy of supporting the sumptuous confabulation of top and heart notes dictated by Sournois-Faussaire. Only when the fragrance had macerated for twenty years did Nathaniel (by then an old man) decant it into hand-blown bottles sealed with Venetian wax. He nestled the vials in a bed of delicate cobwebs within an ancient leather satchel and took them directly to the nearest multinational petrochemical corporation, whose multiple-digit pay-out enabled him to retire without fuss to a sweet-ass condominium in Benidorm.

No. 164 begins with a boisterous fanfare of bergamot and black pepper, leading the nose a merry dance down a serpentine path to fields of narcissi and succulent summer herbs. Draped suggestively over limbs of hundred-year-old Mysore sandalwood, oakmoss plies its seductive woodland magic while free-range civets do their consensual adult thing in the deep shade of a vetiver tussock. Finally, rich tulip butter spreads its fabled "brand-spanking-new suede" accord over a drydown which stretches beyond infinity and into the realms of the sublime.

History... tradition... excellence. Experience perfume as only Enjoué Sournois-Faussaire could present it to the waiting world... on the 164th attempt.

Scent Elements: A load of whitewash, plus a parody of Eight & Bob. However, in all seriousness, this is a really good leathery chypre without a name; Undina sent me a sample of it and I wish I knew more about it.